So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
