Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
