Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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