I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
so let's talk penis.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
