I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
