2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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