areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
