i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
