Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
