ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
