I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
