When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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