once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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