well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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