I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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