I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
