do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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