i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
