I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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