I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
