A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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