i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
