i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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