is your mom at the bar?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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