For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
