I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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