tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
