Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
