My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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