I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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