Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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