I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
