is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
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Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
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Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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