Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
