so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
