She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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