I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
