Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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