Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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