i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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