those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
