My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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