I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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