Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
