I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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