He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Im part way to drunk.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
