Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
