Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
