Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
