Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
