I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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