did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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