Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
