Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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