Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
