a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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