just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
