mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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