she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just blew my weed a kiss
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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